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Friday, August 1st, 2008

Subject:yep
Time:1:55 pm.

Okay so I have been pretty much lazy about journal entries. well that is because my internet is off right now but it will be on soon hopefully. I am with Stanley and for once in a very long time this time i am truly happy. I couldn't be happier. Well today has been an okay day. Stan and I are doing great. Seth & DeSani are growing up so quickly. And that is pretty much it i will talk to you all later


Stanley's Wifey

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Saturday, April 19th, 2008

Subject:Writer's Block: Won't You Be My Neighbor?
Time:11:01 pm.
What are your neighbors like?
 my neighbors...well i will tell you about one of them. she is my best friend. and i am so glad that she is there to call me to see how i am doing she comes over to see me and my children on the regular basis. and she hasn't turned her back on me. she knows my fears my cares my worries my life. she is the best friend a girl could have she would walk through fire of death for my children and i. i dont' know where i'd be without her.

thanks tisha i love ya chikka.

lil nik
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Subject:rambling part 1
Time:10:46 pm.

This is going to be a pretty long blog there are so many things that I need to get out. And this may make many  people upset and I really dunno about it but I guess that I need to get it out. Okay where to begin. I guess I could begin this by saying. I feel like I am supposed to support and take care of my children on my own. No i don't call my children's fathers for anything. Well not anymore. Cause I feel like I just get shit on every time that I do. I know that I supposidly started all of this but I really don't give two fucks anymore. Pretty much because I am 19 years old and I have been taking care of my children on my own. And how do I feel about promises. Well I feel like they are so out rated. Only because I got made 2 promises when I was pregnant with and then a little after I had my daughter. You see i got promised that If I ever needed a break all I had to do was call. That got broken and then the other one was I will come to Georgetown to get her and that one got broken also. All because my mother. and I feel that if I held grudges like I used to then I would hold a grudge on every person that even looked at me wrong. No i shouldn't care about what was promised but it isn't fair to MY MOTHER FUCKING DAUGHTER. I shouldn't have to PROVIDE TRANSPORTATION. So what if I don't have a fucking job. I am still doing my very best to provide for my children. I mean hell look how many people who are sit at home mothers do they get talked about. I THINK NOT!!!!!! Nextly. I feel like no one gives two shits about me except my next door neighbor Tisha because all of my friends have totally disappeard you see I have been waiting and waiting on a call back that I never recieved. Do I call your house not anymore because I am scared that Josh will answer and get an attitude with me. So I dont' even call. Thirdly....i know that josh is your brother and i know your going to read this and prolly be mad at me but this is the way of me getting it out SO NO ONE ELSE CAN READ IT. If you work so much then how come you can't turn it in to public aid so that I dont' have to take you to court and get it court ordered that you have to pay childsupport. you know very well that i said that if you see her more than once every 2 months then i wouldn't go after you for it. but man you helped me make her your the one who climbed through my bedroom window at 3 in the morning drunk off your ass wanting to have sex did i deny no i loved you and then you just up and cheat on me. well i am not holding any of that against you but i am sick of having to take care of her on my own. hell you didn't even see her born why  becuase you ran to missouri. when you said you wanted to be there. but fuck it it is whatever you could either help me with her or I WANT YOU TO TAKE YOUR NAME OFF HER B/C & SIGN YOUR RIGHTS OVER. lastly. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't really need one. But my heart is craving for this man. and he is a man. everyone knows him or knows of him. i think about him all the time and i can hear his voice echo in my head. i can here him saying ah ha! i can feel his presence all around me. i feel that he is the one for me. but we are just friends and he knows how i feel. and i just need somone to talk to cause i didn't feel this way about any other. i didnt have tha chance to show the others cause they thought that other women where important. so thats just whatever. but the last thing i would like to say is.....this..... if you have a best friend and they are there to listen to you laugh cry and whine then make sure you stick by their side cause in the end they are going to be the realest bitch there for you. and if your a single mother and your doing it on your own don't give up god will give you praise because your a great person for not killin an innoncent life. and if your a fake friend dont' fuckin worry about me and my children cause they dont' need fake people just to walk in and out of your life.

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Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

Subject:This Feeling
Time:6:50 pm.

So today is yet another day of complete success. I feel very satasified. I don't feel like there is anything else to take grasp right now. You see me and my guy finally got back to talking. We had a quiet time. For like 2 weeks maybe more. You see this feeling that I have is unlike all the other feelings. It isn't like I felt for Justin or anyone else. It is a feeling that makes me feel appreciated. You know happy with who I am. I don't have to change who I am. I am glad that with him I don't have to dress up to be beautiful. With him I don't have to be some one that I am not. He accepts me for who I am inside. He see's past all the hurt and pain. He brings out the best in me. He shows emotion like I thought a real nigga would. He isn't fake. He is real with me. I haven't been smiling all that much but every time I hear his name or his voice my eyes light up like a lil girl on christmas getting to see her favorite singer. I am so happy that I can live my life on my own. With out any help from anyone. He is my rock. The one I can count on. The one I can go to and have just pj's on and my hair a wild mess and he would still say I am beautiful. I believe that when we talk tonight that we will fix things the way they should be. I don't even bother trying to tell him how i feel for him cause he already knows cause he feels it to. I think this could be love. I mean I think that we could be IN LOVE. Well I will update you all  later thanks for being my readers. It means a whole lot.

 

 

Yours Truly,

Lil Nik

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Subject:Writer's Block: Lost & Found
Time:11:11 am.
What have you lost that you wish you still had?
 Something that I lost that I wished that I still had. Hmm....lets see. I lost a great friend. He is special to me. More than just a friend tho...well its what I want it to be. I wish that I hadn't fucked up our friendship...well how did i? People are doing the he said she said. I really like this man. He is swet kind charming a wonderful musican. And so much more than that. He has a wonderful sence of humor a great smile. A heart of gold. And he is rough around the edges cause he has been hurt so many times. But I love the fact that he can be so real with me. Without the second notice he tells me how he feels. He is an amazing person. He doesn't really keep a whole lot of emotions bottled up. He brings the best out of me. I am suprised in how the he said she said bullshit is tearing our friendship apart. We want to be so much more but there is someone stopping us from doing that. And he is so frustrated and he just wants to walk out of my life. And it really hurts. now that i am loosing him. Its so hard to understand in life what you have to do.But i just hope that he is going to see that everything is indeed will be okay and things will change. Hopefully he just knows how things go. I just wish that everything would change. I just hope that he understands how i truly feel. Im sorry g. I hope you understand.
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Subject:Writer's Block: I Left My Heart in...
Time:11:08 am.
What do you love about where you live?
 What do I love about where I live???Hmm...well lets see. I love it where I live because no one really knows me except for a select few. I don't have a lot of drama. I know very few people and i like it that way. I love where i live because it is quiet and nothing really happens here. That is why I love where I live
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Saturday, March 22nd, 2008

Subject:Might As Well Call Me Super Mom
Time:7:31 pm.

So day and night I don't change any. Only I get a little bit fater well not fatter but gain a little weight when I can keep it on. This is how my day and night goes everyday. We will start out at 8 a.m.  At 8 in the morning I wake up with the kids, and change DeSani's diaper and start breakfast, then I turn on cartoons and then I feed them. Then after they eat I clean them up and play with them for a while and then watch tv with them. Well then next at 12 (afternoon) DeSani takes her nap...after they eat.Seth is to stubborn. So while DeSani is napping I spend some quality time with Seth. We play color & watch cartoons or what ever he wants to watch. Well then at 3 DeSani wakes up I give both children a bath and then it is dinner time. Well then after that then I play with them some more read a book or two. Well not to mention I hear screamin and cryin and all the above so then I clean and cook and do all that I can. I am trying to find a job and then I will maintain a life style of a working mother. So you might as well call me a super mom. Cause I do all I can and still run on maybe 6 or 7 hours sometimes less than that of sleep. GO ME!!!!!! 

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Friday, March 21st, 2008

Subject:Single Life
Time:11:17 pm.

 The Single Life isn't so bad. I mean I know it has its good qualities but it also has some pretty bad qualities. Yeah you can do what you want get phone numbers and the whole ten yards. But when you think about what you want its so much harder on you cause you don't know if the other person feels the same about you as you do for them. I mean I have BM & BD rights. Which is we can have sex whenever we want with each other no matter whom we are with. But I don't just want it to be like that. I want it to be so much more. I know that I have been on the rocky side and I haven't been the best at times. But I thought about so much when I was in jail. So here is what I thought about. Firstly I thougth about my children more than anything. But then I thought about the ones who truly care about me. Who where there for me when times got tough. Jess and  Jd. When I needed them to come get me they did. Well tried but beings I asked a cop a simple question  I didn't get to go to the house.  Yes I hate living with my mother. But I have no other place to go. And that is my fault. For I have just been letting my life go. Well then I thought about my life and how it was going. But before that I layed there and watched the sky change so many shades of blue. I thought about Josh. I thought this. What is he thinking is he mad at me. Will he ever talk to me again. Is he pissed off because Schull wouldn't let him come get his daughter. I bitched him out by the way. Yeah pretty funny cause I was like how in the hell are you going to tell my daughters father he can't go get her. He was like keep it up and we will higher your bond. Well I thought that life would surely come to an end. I was praying to god and this was my prayer.

Dear God,
I know that I mess up constantly and I know that I haven't been on the right path.  But I am giving all my problems and worries to you and let them just be in your hands. Please watch over my children and Jess and the new baby on the way. Please watch over Josh while he is working on his problems and please take his problems away. Please keep Josh Jess Jd Saira Joshii & My babies safe from all harm and anything that could hurt them. My path is dark lord and I pray that you light my path and help me go in the right direction. Amen

Well that is it for now talk to you all later.
Lil Nik

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Subject:Writer's Block: The Things We Carry
Time:11:15 pm.
What do you always carry with you?
 I always carry around a sign or a label. And my label is pretty long actually. "Mother With Postpardom Depression". No matter what I do it will always be there. The mother is the best thing about it tho. I couldn't imagine my life with out them. Thats wonderful....but that is what I always carry with me. Cause I can't really carry my children any more cause they are getting to big...LOL.
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Subject:Writer's Block: That's the Power of...
Time:11:13 pm.
What makes you feel powerful?
What makes me feel powerful. Hmm. Well to be honest with you. My  children make me feel powerful. I wouldn't say that they would make me any less powerful. I mean they make me feel so great and that I can do anything I want to with my life. They have helped me on my journey to recover. But they are what make me feel powerful
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Tuesday, March 18th, 2008

Subject:Am I getting to close???
Time:1:06 am.

Im so lost. I need Jess so badily. I should have stayed so I could cry on her shoulder. Let me just break it down.
I spent from Saturday until Today at Jess's house. And the first night I was there Josh and I actually laid up together. We layed there for a minute and he kissed me and I longed for it for so long and its like a kid with a new bike they are so happy. And then you know what happend. Lol. Well I miss that. I miss the old us. I miss everything that you could only imagine. When I am with him its like everything just falls into place. I dont' feel so much of an outcast. I actually feel loved. And I wonder what Josh thinks about when I am around and when I am not around. Does he still love me passionatly like he used to? I know he loves me cause we have a daughter together but does he love me besides that? Am I just getting to close to him. Should I keep up my shield before my heart. Should I let it down. I miss our relationship. Besides the BM & BD Law that we share. I want so much more. I want us to be us again. I want to be a family. But is that ever going to happen. I know this sounds nuts but when I am with him I feel like I am flying without wings or a parachute to protect my fall if I should fall.  I go into a daze to see what it would have been like if I could have stopped him from moving to MO. What it would have been like if I would have been able to hold on to him. Will I ever know. I just wonder if I am getting to close????Please god show me a sign. Please let me know if Josh and I are ever going to be us again.  I really need to know...I want to be happy with my first true love. 

Please let me know how you feel???Can you give me at least that much? I dont' care what you tell me Just let me know?

Nicole

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Thursday, March 13th, 2008

Subject:Writer's Block: I'm Ashamed of...
Time:9:27 pm.
What are you ashamed of?
 I am ashamed of all the mistakes that I have made. But it only makes me stronger and if that makes me uncommon then oh well..
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Sunday, March 9th, 2008

Subject:Help
Time:10:04 pm.
 Okay so I make a lot of bad decisions in my life. And I want to change. And I am doing all that I can to make everything right.I have figured out that the reason that I haven't found the man I am looking for is because he doesn't have to be found. I know who he is. You see when you find your first true love then you will search for that person with the exact same qualties.  And you keep lookin gand looking and you try to get the first true love back but you push so hard that they just want to run away. And you just don't know what to do any more. You cry and cry but you know that the tears won't bring them back. You feel that there is hope that he'll come back to you but your not so sure if he wants you back. I am trying to straighten up but I don't know how. I have fixed so much about who I am. I am doing all I can. I am looking for a job. And I am trying to find a room mate as soon as possible. Simply because I dont' think well I know I can't make it on my own. And I try not to cry but it is so hard because my life is just starting to crumble down. I am doing all that I can to stay strong. But I am trying to keep the ones that I love with all my heart close but its like they want to run away. Or stay away. I just wish that life would be more simple. You know. If I wouldn't have messed up I would have been married to my first true love. But some how I lost it. I would literally give anything to have him mine again. But if all we can is be friends. Then I guess that is fine. I have felt this way the whole time only I couldn't post this when Rob was around cause I knew in my heart he would hit me. Which is really fucked up. But hey what can I say. I guess if it is meant then I'll get it. I just have to patiently wait. Good luck to me. We just need to sit down and have a conversation. Good luck to me right.

Well I finally got to mend some broken bridges. YAY! I have my best friend back and hopefully mom reads checks her myspaace soon. But that is about it.

God just give me the strength to know what you want me to do. Please talk to me lord and guide me in the right path.

Love Nicole
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Saturday, March 8th, 2008

Subject:Update
Time:12:12 pm.

 Lately I have been slacking on my journal writing and for that I blame no one. But me. Lol. Well I just want to get you all updated on what is going on in my life right now.

Seth- Wow where to begin. He is almost completely potty trained. He is still crying but its getting better, he really doesn't cry that much anymore. He is so smart. He can tell me almost every body part he has....And he knows that he lives in Georgetown. It's so amazing how much your child learns from you. I could only imagine how life would be with out my son in it. But I don't want to because I love my life and he makes it so much easier at times.

DeSani- Damn that little girl has some lungs. But she is doing really good. She is almost as tall as her big brother Seth. She is I think about up to his chin. She is starting to talk a lot more she is trying to run. But it's hilliarious becuase she looks like a little penquin. And I love her to death. She laughs at the most random things. She loves dogs. that is all she says any more her new words are : huh what mom dad dog  no and she knows how to shake her head yes. Amazing huh. wow.

Well I am going to go for now I will talk to you all later I have some broken bridges to fix some how.....wish me luck


Lil Nik

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Subject:I Hope You Hurt
Time:10:30 am.

Last night was the worst night of my life. I couldn't imagine doing it all over again. You see the guy that I was dating, I thought that he was the one. And I was so wronged by the blindness of lust. It wasn't in fact love. It was mearly lust. You see we had gotten into a little arguement because he was talking to my next door neighbor Tisha and it was about me going back to Dale. My sons father. NO I am not going to go back to him. But yet I got upset because he couldn't wait until I got home from group. Well I seen Josh walking he was by Jocko's my heart ached with pain. I truly want  him back. But anyways Robby told me when I got home about him talking to Tish and I got pissed. So I just was quit and didn't say anything. And it stayed that way until friday. Well my mother left to take my sister to the liquor store. And I was busy cleaning up the house and well I told him to shut up cause I didn't want to talk and he was like Suck Dick and Die. And I was like Fuck Off. And then he said something I can't remember what he said and then I was like ima smack the shit out of you and then he come into the living room while my son was on the couch and my daughter was behind him he punched his self in the face and then pushed me so hard that it is hard for me to breathe in and my collor bone hurts really bad. I didn't cry tho because I am stronger than that. I then told him to get his shit and get out. Well that didn't happen so he is leaving and I don't care when. He can pack his shit and leave today for all I care. I am so scared to even be touched. My daughter went to give me a hug after that and I jumped. I am so terrified now and I don't know if I'll ever allow another to touch me again. I am so scared. But I want to be loved but not that way. I guess i'll just wait until one day my prince charming will come back to me. I guess I have learned a lesson not to trust old relationships. No wonder all the other girls he dated didn't stay long. I don't deserve to be treated like that. No one does. I am just really confused i want to be held but at the same time I just want to be close with the old friends that I had. I mean he didn't even like me talking to my best friend Jess. Gawd I really need her right now. Well I guess I am going to go for now. I am sure I'll write again.
Yours Truly,
Lil Nik

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Subject:Writer's Block: Last Night's Dreams
Time:10:25 am.
What did you dream about last night?
 Well it wasn't much of a dream. It was a flash back. But I am going to tell you anyway. It was last night and my current boyfriend and I was into it. And I had said im going to slap the shit out of you. Because he told me to suck dick and die. And that is bogus. Well he come into the living room and punched hisself in the face and then pushed me so hard that it took my breath away. And the worst part is that he hit me in front of my children. I didn't hit him back all I did was said "Get your shit and get out". That is about it and then I woke up.
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Subject:Writer's Block: One Day to Live
Time:10:22 am.
What would you do if you had one day left to live?
 What would I do if I had one day left to live. I would spend the day with my children. While doing that I would tell every person that I have every hurt in any way shape or form that I am sorry for what I done to them. And how much I truly mean it. And I hope that they would forgive me.
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Subject:Writer's Block: Take My Advice
Time:10:19 am.
What piece of advice do you wish you could take?
 I wish that I would have listened to Jess when she told me to hold on and not let go of the one and only one true love of my life Josh. Because I wouldn't have been in the hard time of my life right now. I won't go into detail tho she knows......
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Friday, March 7th, 2008

Subject:So Scared
Time:6:38 pm.

Everytime I want to write something my mind goes completely blank. Cause  I keep going back to all the things that happend in my past. And not so recent past. Im scared to close my eyes to see the flash backs. They are more horrifing the second time than they are the first time of seeing them. I am so lost in this whole thing. I am not sure of what is going to happen. My chest feels like its about to cave in. But I hide all the things that go on mainly because I don't know who to turn to or what to do. I know what to do but I don't know how....well I have to go my daughter needs me I'll tell you what happend in a minute or when i don't have ppl lookin over my shoulder

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Subject:Writer's Block: All in the Family
Time:6:35 pm.
How do you think having siblings (or not having siblings) affects who you are as a person?
 Having siblings...where to begin. I have two. And even tho we may fight all the time we are pretty close. We have each others backs as much as possible. Having a brother and a sister is the most wonderful thing. You can talk to them and tell them things that you really don't want to tell your parents. And then you have someone to go to other than your parents for advice. Having siblings affects me in the most wonderful way. They are truly great. They actually help me be a better person....
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LiveJournal for Seth & DeSani's Mother.

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